m0mmie_2_be

Happy Birthday to me!

2006-05-05T04:46:49Z

Today...I am 25 years old.

Just wanted to mention that.

:-)

I need at work at home job

2006-04-26T16:48:28Z

I need extra money.

Because:

A) We have no money

B) Steve won't be getting a paycheck until June 1st.

C) We are running out of food and toilet paper and diapers and wipes.

D) I don't want/can't work outside the home because of
a) I don't want to put the little ones in daycare and never have time for them
b) because Steve is not well enough to be the primary caregiver of the children.

So, I have to be here (at home) to take care of the kids and keep my house up and running in a semi-orderly fashion.

Does anyone know of any legit online/work at home jobs that don't require any money upfront???

I can do data entry. I can type term papers. I can type just about anything. I can send out form letters. I just need something that I can do legit to get us some cash flow.

Any suggestions?

i can't stop crying

2006-04-09T02:33:40Z

Steve wants a divorce.

And I just can't do it. He wants me to leave and I won't. It's not that I don't want to have another failed marriage. It's because I truly love him and told him I would stay with him through anything. And I mean that. But he said he is never going to be happy with me because I cause all of his anxiety and panic attacks. Basically, it's my fault that he stays in the bedroom and won't go anywhere by himself and apparently it's my fault that he had to drop out of school to go into therapy.

But all I'm doing is trying to hold this family together. I think he loves me deep down. At least I hope he does. But I guess you can love someone and still not be happy with them. I don't want this marriage to be over. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not always nice, but I'm just under so much stress right now. I think I'm holding everything together fairly well considering the circumstances. I have my moments when I lose control, but doesn't everyone? So why does he want me to leave?

I still can't stop crying because I don't want this marriage to be over. But what kind of marriage is it if you know your husband isn't happy with you and doesn't want you there? Am I being weak and stupid for staying when he repeatedly tells me to go? Should I just leave and try to move on with my life? I know I will never be the same. Steve is my soulmate and I would rather die than lose him or the kids. I just can't handle this right now. I hope he really doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

I can't go back upstairs right now because he hates to see me cry and I can't stop crying. Of course I'm crying! My husband can't stand me but I love him too much to leave. It doesn't help things any when he tells me that he wasn't like this before he met me. Like I've ruined his life and he says he'll never be able to be happy again. I don't regret marrying him and I don't think God made a mistake in bringing us together. Is this just the devil (working through him) trying to tear our marriage apart? When am I finally supposed to say, "Okay. You've told me 100 times to leave, so I guess I'll go now." I just don't want to leave and split this family apart. I don't even want to think about it. When I start to think about it, I feel like I'm losing my mind and that I'm going die. Like I need to be the one going to the hospital.

How can you love someone so much, yet make their life miserable? I don't try to make him miserable. I just want us to be a happy family. Maybe I don't know how to do that. Maybe I was 2nd mistake. Maybe I'm just a worthless wife and a worthless mother and I don't deserve him anymore. Maybe I don't deserve the kids. Maybe I make everyone's life a living hell! Now Steve just sent Kelly down to get me. Maybe he's going to tell me to leave again. I just can't handle this!!! I love him!!!!!!!!!

I've got to change my life

2006-03-30T03:25:18Z

Steve is falling apart.

The house is falling apart.

The kids are falling apart.

My life is falling apart.

My body is falling apart.

I barely eat anymore. Just smoke cigarettes.

I'm falling apart and failing my entire family.

Failing the older kids who need my direction and advice and love.

Failing the baby because I spend so much time feeling sorry for myself and crying and sleeping and having panic attacks, that she spends most of her time playing in her crib, or playing with her brothers and sister, or playing with her Aunt, when she should be spending some of that time with ME. Her MOMMY.

I'm so pissed off because of my tubal ligation. I'm so pissed off that I'm bipolar and I thought I could handle it but I can't. I don't know how. I'm having mood swings everyday and it effects everybody.

I've got to change.

I want to change.

Sometimes I just don't have the willpower.

But Steve can't get better if I fall apart everyday.

The baby won't thrive if I'm constantly crying.

And the kids will grow up to a screaming, hysterical mother who can't control her emotions.

Medicines don't help. Although I do try to self-medicate with my husband's nerve pills. They are only temporary and I end up taking too many. I can't sleep at night so I sleep on and off all day, during the baby's naps.

I'm crying out for help.

Steve lost his income because he is going into partial hospitalization tomorrow. I'm completely overwhelmed.

I'm in the process of getting my ducks in a row so I can open an in home daycare.

I've got to do this without physically and mentally falling apart.

Only God can help me. Only God can help me help myself.

I could kill someone right now

2006-03-17T18:55:51Z

Sorry for the subject line of this entry. I'm just so upset right now that I can't stop having diarrhea.

Keegan (he'll be 3 next week) went missing this morning. And do you want to know how he went missing? My fucking brother in law left the house and didn't tell anyone he was leaving, so no one knew to go lock the chain lock on the door. We had to call the police because we couldn't find him in the neighborhood and I was convinced he had been kidnapped. The police came and when they pulled up, Keegan was in the car. He was found a mile and a half away from our home and some lady picked him up and apparantely called the police as well. That's how they found him. I'm just so fucking pissed right now. He could have told someone he was leaving so we could child-lock all the doors. But all he cares about is his fucking self and getting laid.

I missed my doctor's appointment because of all this and my right ovary is killing me. I'm just going to go lay down before the boys get home from school. I need to just breathe and relax. Then I have to deal with the boys. I found them up in their room last night after 3AM with coke cans and chips ....which are forbidden in their room, much less at that time of night! Their bedtime is 8:30! So I got about an hours sleep last night, and when they get home we have to discuss rules and responsibilites on keeping this house clean. I can't do it all by myself.

I'm through venting for now. Got to have peace for the next hour.

Love,
Michelle

this is my therapy session...since I haven't seen a therapist yet

2006-03-17T05:08:09Z

Dear therapist,

Should I give you a name? It seems more appropriate to give you a name...so how about Torri (since that is actually my new therapist's name although I haven't seen her yet) And for all of you who read this and think I'm insane..well you are probably right. But I'll be okay and I'm going to apologize right now for not being in touch with certain online friends. You know who you are and I'm sorry.

So back to my entry:

Dear Torri,

I've hardly gotten out of bed for the past week. Since last Friday when I ended up in the ER with debilitating pain which after 7 hours they found that I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. They also found another cyst on the same ovary that has not ruptured yet, and the pain comes and goes in waves. If it hasn't ruptured yet, I'm sure it will any day now. I'm depressed. I suffer from severe anxiety and anger and resentment and rage and dissapointment in my life. It's nobody's fault but my own. When I hurt or get depressed, I go to bed and sleep and trust that Steve will watch after the kids (which he always does).

I'm overwhelmed. And no, it's not because I have 6 kids and I'm only 24 years old. It's because of my declining health (which is not deadly unfortunately), and it is because of severe financial problems, and also Steve. I love my husband and I would NEVER leave him under any circumstances (unless he cheated on me), but he is going through his own personal hell right now and it is putting a tremendous burden on me. I think my way of dealing with it is going to sleep. Last August, about 3 weeks after Beth was born, he had his first panic attack while we were driving home from football practice. We had all the kids in the car and he was driving. I couldn't get him to pull over to let me drive and it was freaking me out. He told me to call 911 and he pulled into a nearby fire department. The kids handled it well; Kelly took care of Beth while I waited with Steve before they took him to the hospital. To make a long story short, He had a bad panic attack and he has never recovered. Last month he was finally diagnosed with Panic disorder and Agoraphobia. So the past 3 months, I have had to take him to all his classes (with 3 small children in the car with us), wait on him to get out of class, then come home. Take him to numerous doctor's appt.s and ER visits for his panic/anxiety, and I'm lucky if I get to run to the store to pick up basic necessities. We always end up sending steve's brother to the store to shop for us so I can stay with steve. He says I'm his safety net because I was with him during his first panic attack. We haven't gone to church in months; I have one church friend who calls me occassionally to check on me, but other than that, I feel confined to the house and have no outside contact. Just recently, my sister started coming over to visit, to coax me out of bed and motivate me to do housework. I forgot to mention I was diagnosed Bipolar. I don't have the "highs" the mania like "most" bipolars. I have the irritability, rage, and resentment. I resent Jenny, the 5 kids "birth mom" because of their bad behavior. I blame her for not disciplining them EVER. Now I'm paying for it. They don't know how to load a fucking dishwasher or properly sweep the floor! Beth, who is now 8 months, LOVES to crawl around the house, but she can't do that if the floor is messy with dangerous toys for her to choke on. I'm tired of always having to be on their case about cleaning up after themselves. I'm just tired of it all. I want to be a happy stay at home mom. I have no plans to go back to college any time soon, if ever. I may go back after Beth is in school, just so I can say I have a degree and if necessary, get a job. But my lifelong goal is to raise a good Christian family and be a stay at home mom. But I've GOT to get out of this depression and resentment so I can treat the kids like a loving mom! They come home from school and I'm in bed taking a nap! What kind of mom is that? I need therapy, and believe it or not, this writing is actually helping. I told steve that I really needed to make myself write in this journal more often. I can't believe I let life get in the way and I quit writing. By taking the time to write (instead of sleeping all the time) this could really help me. I want to be the type of mother that actively plays with the kids and teaches them things and prepares them for kindergarden (which Kayla starts in the fall). I want to be the type of mom that my mom was to me when I was a child. True, my mom has her problems now, but when we were young, she was the best mother that she could be and really helped me to excell in school. I know grades aren't everything, but they are important. And I want to get back in church. Steve is afraid of having a panic attack at church, and that's why we haven't been...but we've GOT to get back in it for us and the kids. Kris made a profession of faith but has never been baptised because Steve and I were separated at the time.

We've both got to get better so we can be good for these children. God gave me these children to raise in a Godly manner and I've got to show them love and attention. I've got to change. I've got to keep a cleaner house and teach them responsibility. They have to take responsibility for their own messes. I don't have the health to be their maid. I need support, I need God's strength, I need empowerment. I need forgiveness. I feel a lot of guilt over my past life and I've got to let it go. I've got to forgive Jenny for the damage she caused the kids. I've got to forgive the kids for their disobedience, because not all, but in part, it is because their mother didn't train them in the right way.

I've also got to the deal with the realization that I had a tubal ligation against my will, (I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do) and I've got to finish grieving over it and move on. I certainly don't want another baby right now, but my goal is once STeve becomes a nurse practioner, he will be making starting out at around $70,000 and I think that surely we can afford the $6000 that it costs for a tubal reversal. By then, Beth will be in Kindergarden of the 1st grade, and I will be ready for another baby. I grieve constantly over having my tubes tied. I wish I could turn back the hands of time but I can't. I want to go through the birth process again, and this time I want to enjoy my newborn with the depression that came with having my tubal.

I'm not angry at Steve for his condition, it's just placed more on my already full plate. I want to get the laundry caught up. I want the kitchen to stay clean, and the living, and the bathrooms, hell...the whole house. I can't see the carpet in our bedroom because of all the junk. We have Beth and Keegan sleeping in here because he won't stay in bed in the boys room. Hell, he'll be 3 on the 28th, and he is no where close to being potty trained. I just need some structure to my home life. Kelly is failing most of his subjects in school, and he is normally an A/B student. Something has just got to give. We are in so much debt and finacial stress it is unbelievable. You know how I deal with it? I don't think about it. I take it one day at a time. As long as we have food for that day and enough wipes, diapers, and pullups, I tell myself everything will be okay. But it's not. We've got to get a handle on our mental conditions. I've got to get a handle on my pain. I've got bursitis in my right hip which hurts like hell...you know how I got it? I bent over the wrong way to get some clothes out of the hamper! If it weren't for Steve's 89 year old aunt, the clean clothes wouldn't get folded. I put them in the washer and dryer, and she folds them for me. My sister has to come over to give my motivation. I used to have to motivate her, but she is doing so much better now. I'm just thankful she can help me now. I need to start praying more and we've got to get back in church.

Well, my favorite show, Law and Order: SVU just came on. My "old" dream job that I will never have, because God had another calling for me: to be a mother to six children, I've just got to find a way to live up to my calling, and be a Godly wife.

Thank you for listening.

Michelle

no subject

2006-02-24T01:53:06Z

I'm suffering from depression and anxiety again. And resentment and anger...but the latter 2 are less of an issue. I cried a lot today, and that seemed to help some. I really need someone (a therapist) to talk to and help me sort out my issues. I have buried issues because they are too thankful to think about. But an e-mail from my husband's ex the other day brought forth those buried issues I have. Beth belongs to me and Steve, but the older 5 children biologically belong to Steve and Jenny. But, she has no rights to them at the moment. Next month will make 2 years since she left them and moved to Texas. No contact with them, except an occassional phone call or birthday card. Through many conversations, we (Steve, Jenny, and I) agreed it would be best if she stopped all communication with the kids since she had no intentions of returning to TN and having a life with them. We wanted the kids to be able to move forward and that is what the kids wanted as well. They feel betrayed by her. But in this latest e-mail, she mentioned that she would like to speak with the kids (if they wanted to) and send them something on their birthdays, and keep up with their progress in school and sports. I am torn in how I feel about this. These are my children. I may not have given birth to them, but I am raising them now. It's not fair for me to tell her that she can never talk to them again. But is it fair to the children to re-introduce her into their lives, only for her to walk out again? What kind of damage would that cause?

This also brought back painful memories of my tubal ligation. Something I will discuss in detail later. It's very painful to discuss, but I know that I need to get it out.

That's all for now.

I NEED this journal to work for me

2006-02-23T20:32:01Z

I've come to the conclusion that journal writing is very therapeutic for me. I will soon start seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist again and that will help as well. I just need someone to talk to about things that I'm dealing with. I was in the midst of a panic attack when I first started writing this, but I have calmed down some with the help of ativan. I'm just overwhelmed right now. But the kids are coming in and out of the room like its grand central station so I'm going to write more later.

m0mmie_2_be @ 2005-07-23T01:45:00

2005-07-23T05:45:16Z

At last

2005-07-22T05:19:36Z

Considering I haven't updated in 4 months, it would be safe to say that a lot has happened. I will summarize the past 4 months very quickly: Pain, pain, and more pain. I had a very rough pregnancy due to sciatica and false labor, threats of preterm labor, etc. The month of June and this month were, by far, the worst.

My poor husband had to take on the majority of household responsibility along with taking 9 credit hours this summer. My mom also pitched in A LOT and helped out with cooking and laundry and spending time with the kids when I was bedridden.

Emotionally, I stablized during the second trimester and the majority of the third. But, about 2 weeks before my induction date (July 17th) (my due date was July 22nd), my emotions took a nosedive again. I blame it on nervousness of the impending labor and delivery along with a combination of my hormones surging once again.

I had a few false alarms that sent me to the hospital, only to be sent home yet again. So, I decided that I was not going to go to the hospital again until I knew for sure that I was in active labor.

During the past two months, my doctor has had me taking Tylenol #3 for my back pain. On Monday, July 11th, I ran out of pills and I called my doctor for a refill. She said that with it being so close to my induction date that she did not want to prescribe anymore--that if I was in too much pain I just need to come in to Labor and Delivery again and let them check me out. I was a little upset, because I knew that my pain was not contractions, that it was just my usual back pain. Well, on Tuesday afternoon the pain was so severe that I just lay in the bed and cried all afternoon and night. I had not been sleeping at all for the previous 2 weeks,but that night I took some benedryl to knock me out and I went to bed at 9:00. Something told me that I needed to get some rest. I woke up at 2:00 to go to the bathroom. When I stood up, I felt a small leak and when I went to the bathroom, my panties were wet. In my sleepy state, I thought, "Damn leaky bladder. I must have peed on myself." And I went back to bed. Wednesday morning I woke up and took a bath to soak my back because the pain was excrutiating. I also took a Viocodin that I had on hand and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. I walked around because sometimes that helps, but still nothing. Then Steve and I decided to go run a couple errands; I needed to get some groceries and he needed something for the printer. I went into the bathroom to put on my makeup, and I couldn't do it. I just leaned over the sink and started bawling. I sat on the toilet trying to get some relief, but I couldn't. I just cried hysterically and the kids heard me; I heard my mom in the hallway trying to explain to them that my back was just hurting really badly. Then I called out to Steve, "Steve, I'm hurting so bad!" I couldn't figure out why my pain wouldn't let up. He said we should go let them check me out since that's what the doc said to do. At this point, I didn't argue. We told everyone bye and I went to the truck (still bawling) and we went to the hospital. The pain was coming in waves but in my back only.

They hooked me up to the monitor and said, "It looks like you are having a contraction." Well, this still didn't really mean much to me, because I had had contractions in the past and I had already dilated to 2 cm, so that didn't necessary mean I was in labor.

They brought out the big Q-tip to swab me to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid. If it turns blue, then your water has broken. I had also had this test done before and I was dissapointed to see that it did not turn blue. I looked down there and before they could say anything, I saw the blue Q-tip. The nurse told me that it looked like my water had broken. It still didn't sink in that I was going to have this baby now.

Steve went to call my mom and while he was gone they took me to my room and started asking a bunch of questions and hooked me up to an IV. At this point, the contractions were coming 4-6 minutes apart. Over the next hour, they quickly intensified and the pain began to travel around to my lower abdomen. Pretty soon, I was crying out in pain with each contraction. They gave me some Staydol, which dulled the pain and made me really loopy for about 15 minutes...that's it. By this point, I was begging for my epidural. I had dilated to 4 cm by this point and it was safe to give me the epidural. I almost couldn't sit still while they put the epidural in because the contractions were so strong and painful. I actually thought to myself that I could not go through with this delivery, that something was going to have to be done because I couldn't take the pain. However, within 10 minutes, the epidural kicked in and I was actually able to sleep for a little while. After a few hours, I wasn't progressing as quickly as they wanted, and since my water had already broken they decided to give me some Pitocin. When they hooked up the fetal scalp monitor, my bag of waters literally "broke" and came gushing out. It felt so weird because I was pretty numb from the waist down but I could feel like I was peeing all over myself. A little while later, the nurse checked my cervix, and she said, "ooh, you've made a mess down here." I was confused. Another nurse came in and they said they need to change the bedding and my gown. Apparently, I had meconium staining. Beth (my baby girl) had a bowl movement while in the womb. This can be potentially fatal. I was scared now. But her heartrate was fine and she was under no distress, so they did not suggest a C-section at this point. They administered fluids into my womb to cleanse it out, and I rested again.

At 8:00 that night, they checked me again and I was at 9 cm. The nurse said, "I'll be back in an hour so get ready to push." Okay, now reality had set in and I was scared to death. I didn't want to push. The whole idea freaked me out. So I tried to rest again while Steve's parents were also there visiting. The nurse came back at 9:00 and shooed everyone out of the room. It was time to push.

She told me that average pushing time for most first time moms was 2-3 hours, so I wasn't expecting to have my baby girl until around midnight or later. My mom had the kids settled down and she was on her way to the hospital.

She didn't make it in time.

I pushed through about 4-6 contractions and Beth was born at 9:26 PM on July 13th. I loved her before she was born, but I fell in love with her all over again the first time I laid eyes on her. I actually saw her for the first time while she was 1/2 way in, 1/2 way out. Once her head was out, they told me to stop pushing so they could suction her really well to get any meconium out of her airways. Thankfully, none made it to her lungs, which could have killed her.

She was absolutely beautiful. Thick black hair, olive skin (takes after Steve's grandmother and my grandmother) and she was so small. She weighed 6 lbs. 12 oz. and was 19 1/2 inches long.

The amazing thing: it didn't hurt. At all. I felt the pressure and sensation of her passing under my pubic bone and coming out, but I didn't feel any pain. And since I only pushed for 25 minutes, I didn't even break a sweat. The nurse said it was very abnormal and she wished every delivery went as easily as mine. I labored for over 24 hours, but the actually delivery was a breeze.

(I had planned on writing about her first week, but now I'm really exhausted and she will be waking up soon for her feeding. I'm going to end with this, with hopes of updating again in the next few nights.)

What a roller coaster

2005-03-21T02:00:25Z

Have you ever had a day where you wake up and think everything is going normal and then you end up living in another city that night?

I am not kidding.

Yesterday we had Keegan's 2nd birthday party at my parents' house. Last night, we moved into my parents' house.

I guess I should give some background info first. We live in a not-so-desirable neighborhood in a city about 45 minutes away from my family. Our lease runs out in June, and we have already been looking for a house here in Maryville. We have no family at all where we live now, so we would have more support if we moved near my family. Well, our neighborhood has only gotten worse lately. We have crack houses right down the street and drug deals going on in front of our house every day. The kids can't even safely go outside to play anymore. Well, my parents' have a huge house and they offered for us to live with them--for the safety of the kids (and me). So, we decided to go ahead and move while the kids are on Spring Break.

This has been a major adjustment for me. I'm on pins and needles and the stress is really getting to me. I started having really bad cramps earlier tonight, so now I'm just trying to take it easy. Steve had to go to the ER early tonight because he thought he was having a heart attack. The doc thinks it is actually his gallbladder, so he's having more tests done in the morning. When will life slow down?

Well, I could go on and on about this, but I'm hurting pretty badly and I'm about to go talk to my mom for a few minutes and then Steve and I are going to watch a movie.

m0mmie_2_be @ 2005-03-18T12:56:00

2005-03-18T17:56:29Z

I live in a hospital

2005-03-18T14:34:47Z

Yesterday we had to take Steve's 88 year old aunt to the ER. Why, you ask? Well, she went completely deaf in a matter of 6 hours and her blood pressure was elevated. We were afraid she had stroked. She is freaking out and we are all worried because you just don't lose ALL of your hearing like that in one afternoon, do you? Well, it turns out that her ears were COMPLETELY blocked with ear wax!! I know I know. That's gross. But seriously, isn't that good news? Now she can hear just fine. We don't have to yell at her anymore. She had been hard of hearing for years, but apparently that was just wax build up too! Hehehe, she is much happier now, of course.

My TMJ has flared up over the past few days so I am not a happy camper. With it has come the migraines and the inability to open my mouth to bite into anything. It's back to soft foods or taking very small bites. What really pisses me off is that my retainer doesn't fit anymore. My teeth have spaced apart or something, so I can't even wear the mouthpiece that is supposed to help with this problem. I know what you are thinking, I should have been wearing the retainer all along, and then I wouldn't be in this situation. Well, hindsight is 20/20 and I just basically screwed up.

Today is the first day in over a week that I have had the house completely to myself (except for aunt edna). I plan on resting my pounding head and jaw, cleaning up a little bit, and working on that 67 question study guide for my marriage and family class. The exam is tonight, plus the wedding budget that I have to complete. I will be planning a modest wedding, simply because I don't have the time to be extravagant. I know why the teacher has us do this, but I still think it sucks. I mean, I'm already married, what's the fun in planning a wedding now?

Well, I guess that's it for now. I need some more friends on here. I only have 2 friends BUT they are the best friends I could have, even though we haven't talked in a really long time. All I can say is that "damn, has life gotten hectic for me!" But I still love you guys and keep up with everything going on in your lives and think about you often. I'll try to comment more frequently from now on. Don't be a stranger either!

My good intentions fell by the wayside

2005-03-17T04:20:14Z

I feel like I should just do this entry as a timeline or something. It's been a while since I've updated but as always...I have a good excuse. Although there have been times where I have desperately needed this outlet but have been away from my computer.

Let's start with the good news.

I found out that I'm having a baby girl!!!! Like all good mothers wish; I wished and hoped and prayed for a healthy baby, regardless of the sex. BUT...I really really really hoped for a little girl. I mean think about it; I have 4 boys already. Kaelle desperately needs a little sister to keep her feminine! lol I'm naming her Victoria Elizabeth. We are already referring to her as Beth.

Steve and I have been having some problems lately. It's nothing major really. I've just been dealing with my pissy attitude and how it is affecting our relationship. I harbor resentment against him (and sometimes the kids) for silly reasons and then it builds up to the point that I don't really look forward to spending alone time with him. The problem is that we never have time to have much fun. Life is just busy and hectic and I have resigned myself to the fact that life will always be this way until the kids are grown. So I have made a conscious decision to be happy no matter what. No matter what happens, what life throws at me, I'm going to be happy. I'm going to love and appreciate my family, whether I'm in a good mood or not. Now here's the ironic part. Or maybe just God's way of testing my new promise. Steve and I had a long talk on Saturday morning about this (my attitude). I explained to him in detail how I felt and how I wanted to change. Just 8 hours later, we are sitting in the emergency room with our daughter Kaelle. She had developed a staph infection on her leg that just progressively got worse. The docs had to aspirate it (VERY painful) and sent us home with antibiotics. On the way home that night, I developed severe back pain in my kidney region. After 2 hours with no relief, Steve called my OB doc and she said for me to go to the ER and have some urine tests done to see if I had a kidney infection or kidney stones. Well, before I could go to the ER, we had to come home and tell Steve's elderly aunt that we would be very late returning home. I came in to help Kaelle change her clothes (she was dirty from the hospital) and Steve went into the living to check on the cats. Molly had been sick for about 3 weeks. She got scared one day and ran head first into the wall at top speed and her head swelled up. We gave her baby aspirin and ice packs, but the swelling would not go down much. She became very lethargic and lost control of her bowels and bladder. But we kept taking care of her and she started to get better. Finally she was purring again and walking around on her own. I even saw her go to the litter box and go to her food dish. Then, she started losing control again. Her head was still spongy to touch and her demeanor was just not good. I knew that she had brain damage. There was no doubt. We finally came to the decision that on Monday we would take her and have her put down...for humane reasons. There was nothing anybody could do to help her. Well, as I was changing clothes, Steve came into the room and told me that we would not need to go to the vet on Monday. Molly had died. He found her in her bed, the first time in 3 weeks that she looked at peace. I freaked out for about an hour. I cried and petted her and told her how sorry I was that she had to die alone. But I didn't have time to stay and grieve for her because Steve had to get me to the ER because of my backpain. We took the kids over to my parents' house and went to the ER. They gave me some pain meds and ran some tests (baby was fine) and determined that basically I was just hurting due to my pregnancy. Uterine stretching, organs getting cramped, etc. It was 2 AM before we got out of the ER, so we just crashed at my parents' house and came home early Sunday morning.

Sunday was a very relaxing day. The older boys played outside all day long with their new neighborhood friends. Kaelle was still not feeling well so she, Steve, and I watched Food Network until she and I drifted off to sleep. Then Steve passed out for 4 hours so I stayed conscious to keep an eye on the boys. Thankfully, Keegan took a long nap. After lunch, Steve played on his computer game and I had Kaelle come into the bedroom so I could check on her leg. It was twice as large as it was the day before and the redness and swelling was terrible. It was also hot to touch. After numerous calls to her pediatrician and my mom (Dr. Deb) a couple of warm compresses and a dose of Tylenol for her fever, we decided to take her back to the ER. My dad met us there and took Keegan home with him. After waiting for 3 1/2 hours, they decided to admit her. Steve's brother came and picked up the boys and Steve and I stayed with Kaelle. They had to put her under anesthesia to cut open her leg and drain the boil. After that, we stayed in the hospital until late this morning. Thankfully, all the other kids were well behaved in our absence. Steve and I are exhausted, however. We hardly slept a wink while in the hospital. We were busy taking care of our little girl. She is fine now. Leg is still sore and will be on antibiotics for the next 10 days.

So yes, I think the devil was testing me about my promise to be happy regardless of the situation. I have survived a very sick child, a dead pet, my own health problems, and total lack of sleep. And I still have a good attitude. In fact, I can find reasons to be thankful for everything I have experienced. I'm thankful that Kaelle is better now, and I'm thankful for the quality time that we got to spend with her while she was in the hospital. I'm thankful for the opportunity to stay at the hospital because it helped Steve to realize what he really wanted to do with his life. Instead of electrical engineering, he wants to re-enter the medical field and become an RN, than a Nurse Practitioner. I'm thankful that Molly is in heaven now, because she did not deserve to suffer any longer. I'm thankful that my back pain was nothing more than typical pregnancy pains. I'm thankful that I am still able to function and care for my children, even without adequate sleep. This fact is comforting, because I know sleep will be a luxury once Beth is born.

Now I'm thoroughly exhausted and Steve is already snoring on the couch. I'll catch ya' later.

fuck honesty

2005-02-24T05:11:28Z

so this is what i get for being honest? fuck honesty. you leave the room in the middle of the conversation to go play fucking video games? we'll talk later? yeah fucking right. i'll probably have cried myself to sleep by then. enjoy your games.

A long day...and a movie

2005-02-24T00:45:19Z

This has been the longest day. I'm too tired to even go into detail. I put the kids to bed early and now I am about to lay here and watch Anchorman. Maybe by laying on the heating pad my back will feel better. Right now the pain is killing me. I'm not depressed...just tired. I'll write more later.

Just a short break

2005-02-18T16:43:50Z

Man I am exhausted already today. The thing that pulls me down is my back/hip problems. Damn sciatic nerve. I've been going since before 8:00 this morning. I took Kaelle to school, and Keegan and I went grocery shopping before I dropped him off at daycare. I am in the process of making homemade cookies for Kris's birthday party today at school. In the meantime, I'm washing dishes, clothes, and just finished mopping the kitchen floor. Now, of course, my back is in severe pain. That's the only reason I'm sitting down right now. I have about 45 minutes left for the dough to refrigerate, then it is time to bake and then decorate, and then somehow get everything out the door and be at the school by 1:30. Did I mention that in the meantime I need to do my makeup and hair? I'm not stressed, though. Just rushed. I'm so glad that I decided to drop down to part-time at school. Now, on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I can stay at home and take care of housework, homework, and run errands. And REST. I like this arrangement. Kelly's case manager is coming over this afternoon at 4:00 so I'm trying to get the house presentable because I'll have to cook dinner while she is here. But I'll put Steve to work too. He likes to help me cook.

Well that's all for now. I need to make good use of what little time I have left.

A wonderful day...wish it could last

2005-02-16T17:04:31Z

Today is the perfect day. But it will never be my reality.

I stayed home from school because of back problems which manifested itself into depression and fear of going to class. (I'm so far behind anyway, blah blah blah.) So I took a catnap this morning, got up and started in on laundry. I made a tuna sandwich for lunch. It's nice not to eat fast food. I've already gotten 3 loads of clothes done. Now I'm about to start in on load #4 and then decide what I want to tackle next: the kitchen or the bathroom. Plus I have the living room floor to clean. Vacuum the rug and swiffer the floor. All while Golden Girls is on in the background. Why can't everyday be like this?

The depressing part is knowing that every day can't be the same as this one.

And Chander makes 9

2005-02-16T01:59:27Z

A couple weeks ago we adopted a a kitten named Molly. She is a calico and she is spoiled, but also a little scared since Chandler decided to move back in. My "baby" Chandler has gained 100 pounds! He is a grey striped version of Garfield now! I don't know what happened to him, but he definitely filled out. Now there are 2 adults, 5 kids, and 2 kittens living in this house. Of course there is a baby on the way and my sis is staying with us for a few days. So we are filled to the max. Steve is playing with Chandler right now while Molly watches me type this. She is a mommy's girl.

A place just for me

2005-02-15T18:29:14Z

So here I am with a place of my own. A place for me to have "me" time. An alternative to therapy. A place to vent. A place to laugh. A place to cry. My OWN space.

Welcome.